The Mystery of Christmas

Thoughts from December 9, 2022: “Today was a “new morning”. It was one of those “weeping at night, but joy comes in the morning” kind of mornings. The Christmas Spirit came and reminded me of the miracle. The events of the very first Christmas displayed hope, purpose, healing and reconciliation. Things that my heart has been longing for and that the world longs for right now. If I’m being honest, I”m longing for them like never before.

I feel like our life has paralleled what Advent is all about lately. It is the waiting. Waiting for completion, healing and deliverance.

It’s been silent, dark and using all of us up to do the next right thing and get us through each day. Hope has been almost non existent and genuine happiness has seemed like a memory at times. The Israelites spent 400 years with silence from Heaven but they KNEW that God promised deliverance. I’m sure thoughts of despair came. I’m certain they wondered what they may have done wrong, thought about all the wrong turns they took and contemplated if they could backtrack then maybe they could fix things with God or at least see things clearly. The thing is – is that sometimes there’s just no way out but complete deliverance.

It probably took so much grit to even think about hoping anymore. Hope felt like such a risk I’m sure. It feels like a risk for us all – if we’re being honest with ourselves. They had likely come to accept how things were, maybe even given up. It was a long wait. Day in and day out doing the next right thing, waiting for the light to break through the sky and into their lives and revive their hearts. Many moments so silent all you can hear your own breathing. Many moments also so chaotic and loud that you can’t even envision peace. Then unknown to many of them, a baby was born, the Light of Heaven Himself touched down and began the process and work of buying back humankind. 

Our little family too has been in a place of quiet desperation awaiting our Jesus to redeem and save us once again. To save us from hoplessness, hard hearts, jaded attitudes and most of all trying to be the master of our own fates. You see, He saves us when we encounter him and then trust him, Belief isn’t what sparks faith, faith is trust (a hard one for many of us). He doesn’t always save us from what surrounds us. However, in my experience, He keeps saving us- from ourselves, from the plans that are coming against us, from the clutches of the Evil and the world’s hooks. He keeps saving us from any lesser things that we’d trade ourselves for, in a moment of desperation.

We have had a lot of battles in the ring lately with the enemy and he has come after a lot of things. It has felt, at times, like he is winning. He has come for our hope, our minds and mental health, the health and peace of our children, our finances and future and our desire and safety to be in community – and most recently our marriage. 

Today…today though is the new morning and new day. We took on the challenge of getting out of the house and loaded up our boys in exchange for the chance at some precious Christmas memories. We saw the holiday parade and went to several Christmas festivities. Mixed in those events with the hustle of people and still doing daily caregiving life-the Spirit of Christmas came with power and light but in the form of a still small leading. It was given to me and sparked in my heart without any conjuring or work. Luke’s pure joy and excitement over all the events and his spontaneous affection gave me the reality dose of what the purpose of Christmas was and is. Matthew in his own way faithfully pressing on in his little purposeful chosen journey. This is the reason Christ came! 

We wait in hopeful expectation in the unseen promises of God when we don’t see the possibility. He came for the most impossible situations, impossible people and what seemed like an impossible mission.

We watch and celebrate knowing that it’s coming because He’s coming. Like Christmas came. He is the reason things work.  even though you didn’t see the light come, believe trust and know that it’s coming because it already has and it’s already at work at deep levels even when we can’t see it. 

So much work and preparation is done – in the dark. When we attempt to light our own way, it only creates more turmoil and places the growth process on hold. The hard reality is that the greatest gifts are birthed out of pain and the greatest transformations in our faith are accomplished in complete uncertainty.“

Presently, throughout this year, we have spent all of ourselves gently sustaining the life of our youngest son. Advent has taken on deeper meaning to us. Unanswered prayers or answers we didn’t want. We have lived in the space of anticipatory grief. I have despised it – a lot. Joy and sorrow in two hands? It’s true though. Only Jesus could unite the two.

Many relationships have disappeared and we’ve spent much time by Matty’s side giving breathing treatments, respiratory care, praying, weeping, cleaning him and just walking with him through his journey. I am humbled to have been chosen to be his mother. The lessons here could never be learned elsewhere. The character and grit built in sorrow has changed me for good. That’s right, for good. My son reflects the character of Jesus. He’s patient, joyful under stress, radiates kindness, resilient and brings out who each person truly is. Our life appears to the naked eye of the world as tragedy, but it’s a miracle. It looks like we’re confined, but we’re actually free. There’s freedom in forgetting about myself to care for another. It’s not without pain and I’m only human. I need sleep, food and care as well. I have no idea what the future holds. God knows my frailty. He invites my questions and wants me to reason with Him. “God causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him and who are called according to his purpose.” Faith or belief is not a moral virtue – for me, it’s simply the clearest path to a sound mind and draws out all the transformative truths I tend to run from.

As I wait though, in the dark this Christmas – I choose to hold on and take the risk of trust instead of casting away in order to protect my heart. The Light always comes!