“Invisible labor.” What an interesting concept. Women have been doing it since the beginning of time. From sunrise to the burning candle. We get so much done in the silence, yet we get so much done in the chaos. We carry, deliver, nurture and grow a human in our bodies, sometimes multiple times. We walk with and carry the weight of our loved ones illnesses, suffering and sorrows and alleviate it with the balm of comfort simply by being present. We hem in the chaos of our homes and navigate the complexities of the things outside of them. We stand similar to bears in the wild, innately ready to charge anything that threatens what we’ve built. We utilize all we find for the benefit of our families and we build up communities one person at a time. We aren’t supposed to want the leadership positions even if we are better at them sometimes. Were the sex that is supposed to behave and it’s less acceptable when we are wild. It’s assumed we’re better at the mental load, but it’s not without cost. How costly it truly is!

I see now that we are strong beyond measure, but not built for certain projects or weight loads. The cumulative effect of it all has met with me here lately. I’ve had flashes of the past and seen all that I’ve withstood. My body and mind have started asking me in their own way to listen clearly.

Sometimes you simply stop asking for the things you need, not because you don’t desire them anymore, but because you realize you won’t receive them. So, it better on the heart to let them go. Sometimes things die in women, not because they’re angry, but because they’ve simply accepted the desired thing is never coming. It truly is unfortunate because when tended to, when encouraged, when built up and when we get a taste of our designed purposes – we love and pour our ourselves out beyond our imagined capacity. Encouragement, affirmation and a sense of purpose fuel. To know we are succeeding at loving our people pushes us to new heights, but we truly don’t go as far without grass things or without our souls watered and fed.

Unfortunately, so many special needs mothers sit at this table with me. So many caregiving women. We feel our dreams, needs, desires rising up and set them aside thinking we will get to them later. Later comes and then we are often times too tired to purue them or our hearts have attempted to speak up, only to be set aside ourselves with the assumption that we are strong enough to bear it.

As I sit here tonight after hours of work today and over the last several months, I feel unseen. Who am I kidding, it’s been years at this pace! I feel as if I died and someone else was born somewhere along the way. The person I had to be – and who they needed me to be. I wrestled to write this, but I KNOW many sit at this table. So many late nights, years of countless forms, evaluations and assessments, taxes, plan writings, IEP reviews and meetings, advocacy work, emails, appeals and a painful amount of hours of our lives spent on the phone with doctors , nurses, therapists, insurance companies and people we wouldn’t otherwise want to socialize with! All to prove the worth and value of a loved one while spending the currency of our own bodies and minds for their sakes. All to build our family and help our husbands. They are worth it! Those that see the way we love know we deeply we love them. Aren’t we worth it too? If the things we do are looked over or undone-the consequences are catastrophic in our spheres. It’s like a domino effect to those that depend on us. We are vital! Essential! Irreplaceable!

For years I have willingly and, most of the time gladly, cooked meals, planned for them, took care of almost all doctor collaborations, appointments, therapies, educated and learned cares and devoured information that would make me better at my “job”. Late nights, praying, wrestling, caretaking. I have always taken my job seriously. As a little girl I dreamt about meeting the man of my dreams and having a family. Being loved was what was wrapped up in all that and having things I never did. The Christmas photo, the stay at home mom, a mom and a dad together, stability, advocacy, home cooked meals, health and family experiences. It’s turned out “different”. This is still my dream though. It always will be!

In the beginning, as we built our life, I kept trying to build in effort to maintain hope. As each disappointment or loss came, each diagnosis, I tried to push more. It was my way of pushing back the fear and not succumbing to helplessness or grief. I wasn’t in denial, but I simply knew if I “accepted” all the voices that were coming at me or spoken over my sons, then I would be of no use to my them. It would directly affect how hard I would fight for them. I knew the future outcome was uncertain and dependent upon what I put in. I could get my sons farther, the more I dreamt for them and defied the words and odds spoken over them! And I did!

As time went on, I saw more holes in my hope though. Little punctures in my boat of faith and life if you will. Some of it came from my diappointment in people honestly. Why weren’t they as driven, hopeful and as motivitated to defy the words and obstacles placed in front of them as I was to defy the things in front of me? That started to become more painful because you can’t deny the reality that you are woven together with people. Some more than others. Some you were woven together by birth and blood and some you chose to sew into your life. It becomes this painful place where you eventually realize (or you smack your head into the brick wall one day) that some don’t want to go where you are going and if you love them, you don’t force them to go. So, everything changes and sometimes things are lost. Hold on loosely.

What do we do with our needs as women? Those of us with special needs children or challenging marriages due to extenuating circumstances or family of origin issues. The need to nurture, to heal, to grow, to be seen, to be secure, to have adventure, to be pursued, to achieve and succeed in motherhood, life and win as a wife is all still needed and vital for our souls. I don’t think anyone sets out to fail. Maybe it’s not failure though when it doesn’t turn out as we envisioned. It is painful when it doesn’t turn out when we put in so much effort. Maybe it’s the onging work in you that is all that matters. The journey, not the destination. Believe me, I haven’t fully accepted this. I just think so many devalue the little things. But those are the things that form our furture and solidify who we are. Day in and day out it is how we are built! I want a life that says at the end – “she never gave up”. Yet, I feel like I give up all the time and it angers me. Then I start again once I’m finished pounding my fists in the ground so – does that still count? I think I want to reflect the part of God’s character that is relentless. Love always hopes! It says, “I’ll try this one more time.”

Just a thought, maybe we need to realize that-it’s in the mundane, repetitive, unseen, invisible laborous things that the most powerful women are forged. It’s not in the offices of the “boss babes”, the meetings of the CEOs, the public praise or top of the latter. It’s in the dark! It’s at this table when no one else is watching. It’s in the wresting for your mind in the middle of the night and for truth over lies about yourself. It’s getting up and loving your child when loosing them will most certainly come. It’s staying connected and keeping a soft heart – even it’s more painful, as an act of grace that we would want to receive. It’s overcoming when you were born into so many obstacles and giving yourself no excuse because you realize that when you stand before Jesus one day – if you quit, you will not be able to point to anyone else. Even still as I know I have grieved His heart, He still wraps His arms around me.

*Homework: Read Psalm 40 and listen to Hard Love (by NeedtoBreathe)

New seasons are scary!