Do you think he knows how much I love him?
Do you think he knows how much I’ve fought for him?
Do you think he knows how much I’ve learned for him, from him and how much I know because of him?
Do you think he knows how many days and nights I’ve gone without sleep to watch over and care for him?
Do you think he knows the paths I’ve paved for him?
Do you think he knows the seats at the tables I believe are reserved for him?
Do you think he knows that I am FOR him and not against him when I push him to grow and don’t settle because I know what he’s capable of?
Do you think he knows how much he hurts me in his anger, aggression and harm to himself?
Do you think he knows that I will stay and take the hits to protect him from himself?
Do you think he knows I understand him and can see many of his needs even though I make him communicate them, so that when I die, someone else will understand him?
Do you think he thinks I’m ignoring him when he does communicate and I deny his wants because they aren’t always what’s best for him?
Do you think he knows that his dad and I want to have space and time sometimes?
Do you think he knows the prayers I have wept and begged God for on his behalf?
Do you think he feels and knows what it means when I have laid hands on him and prayed for healing and peace countless times or just spoke the name of Jesus?
Do you think he knows that I’m ready, vigilant, waiting, and protecting for the next seizure, even though it’s crushing me?

Do you think he can hear me when he seizes, crying and praying and telling him I’m right there?
Do you think he knows how much paperwork, meetings, legislative involvement, training and advocating I’ve done on his behalf?
Do you think he thinks I’m too busy for him when those things all consuming?

Do you think he knows who his brother is and what a special thing a brother is?
Do you think he knows how cool so many people think he is?
Do you think he knows he scares people when he rages in public?
Do you think he cares what other people think or is he ok inside?
Do you think he knows when kids move away from him that they don’t want to be his friend? Does it hurt his feelings?

Do you think he knows that his Grandpa and Papa are gone and he won’t see them anymore in this life or what a funeral means?

Do you think he feels safe even though I’ve messed up many times as a mom and lost my own temper out of exhaustion, impatience and my own brokenness?

Do you think he knows that I’m trying to lean into God and allow Him to re-parent me so that I can fix the broken things in myself to be a better mom?
Do you think he knows that even though he’s calm after a meltdown or the seizure is over, that I am still grieving for him inside and that my body remembers?
Do you think he knows how many things I remember for him and plan ahead for every day so he’s not anxious?
Do you think he knows that I remember all the treats, toys, activities, places and experiences he loves?

Do you think he knows that I’m watching over him, standing up for him, cultivating empathy for him and taking all things into account when he sees a doctor, therapist, nurse, teacher or any other member of the community?

Do you think he knows the things I do and battles I have fought for him in rooms that he wasn’t present? Do you think he knows how many times he has saved my life?

I don’t know the answers to all these questions because I can’t talk to my boy!

However I do know that HE sees and knows. I do know that God picked me for this. I do know that all these UNSEEN things are not in vain or unseen by the One who never slumbers or sleeps and the Advocate who stood in the gap for me. HE remembers every prayer, every tear and every act of love!