3 years ago… “When you fall in love and get married and you start a family, you set out on an adventure, but you don’t see all that is ahead. For good reason. You have in mind how it’ll turn out, how you’ll turn out and how they’ll turn out. You bring into that picture your dreams, hopes, reservations, personality type, family of origin issues, trauma and family culture. Your spouse comes with the same things. Then your kiddos are built and shaped with you trying to maneuver through all that.

Combine those things with the bumps and obstacles of life that come along the way. Sickness, finances, growth, loss, betrayal, relationships, body changes, mental health/ further trauma and it simply becomes a miracle that you are getting through.

For some, I do think things are easier, but that doesn’t mean the ones that encounter more are victims. I do think some will never have the same struggles as others in regards to a nuclear family, solid mental health, poverty, e.t.c. You fight for the BEST you, with all that you have.

“Your genetics are not your destiny”. A doctor told me this and it resonates across all things for me, not just my physical health.

I’m posting this because for a few months now, things have piled on. Deadlines, loss/ death, sickness, seizures, appointments, medical bills, maxed out need for more space and adaptations for the boys, injury/limitations on my body in caregiving and new trauma.

I looked at this picture, and along with Jason, they are my everything.❤ I aim for my identity to be in Jesus alone. My world revolves around them, even when I don’t want it to. Today, and the past few days, I don’t want it to. I love them so much and it’s COSTING ME GREATLY. Jason too. We dye to ourselves and lay our lives down every day. We pour out everything into them in ways parents with healthy children never will know. I feel guilt when I struggle and shame when I don’t have a positive solution.

I want to hold it all together and keep up with all my friends. I have to face it over and over that our journeys aren’t alike. I have different limitations and simply cannot do and will not have some things this side of heaven. Trips, beaches, camping, family photos in the foothills, a vacation as a couple, weddings, grandchildren. These are extra painful lately. Hell… I’m honestly just praying somedays we get through.

Today, and for a while now, I am NOT ok. Our space is too small, our bodies are too tired and my mind feels too weak. I feel like I can’t do one more seizure, one more demand, one more decision, one more raging meltdown, one more crisis. I am grateful and have much to be thankful for. My mind and heart are so tired though. Today, I feel like I’ve done something wrong and my faith is broken. 🙏 Jesus will meet me here. He always does. I know we are loved by many and I am so thankful. It is just hard because no one can do it for us and fewer and fewer can relieve us.

Special needs families… you are not forgotten. If you have encountered a lot in your life, but you are making it and overcoming – God wins. You are enough”!